Despite my having dumped 5 gallons of Kerosene into the tank earlier in the day, the fuel still managed to gel.  I tried pouring boiling water on the length of the pipe at 4am, to no apparent affect.  I then proceeded to wrap the length of copper pipe outside in newspaper and duct tape.  No luck.

My next step is to sleep until noon, then try restarting the furnace in hopes the #2 fuel oil warmed up enough to flow .  If it doesn’t start, I’ll have to call the furnace people, who are not pleasant.  In fact, they are downright rude.

1. Don’t tell us what you are going to do.   Example: “I’m going to make a short point about the Mets then I’m going to hang up and listen to your answer”.   Old men always start calls in this fashion, as if any sudden moves might startle the audience.  Imagine if a comedian stepped on stage and the first thing he said is “I’ll tell a few jokes, then I’ll listen for your laughter”.   Why not break it down further and describe your itinerary for the next two days?  Yes, Seinfeld mentioned this point on air years ago. 

2. Nobody cares who the hell you are. The fact you are a long time listener, first time caller, season ticket holder, or fan of a team is irrelevant.  Your opinion means jack, so spit it out already.   If there’s a reason for asking, the host will ask.  Playing or coaching high school baseball does not mean you know a damn thing about pro sports.

3. Don’t call in with “news”.  So your friend’s cousin who’s a waiter in the Catskills claims he overheard the manager of the Yankees say he won’t be back next year.  That doesn’t make it true even if it really did happen.  I’m not famous, but I give jerky answers to strangers all the time.  Learn to mind your own business.

4. Don’t produce the show.  Wow, did you really talk to a call screener off the air?  Fantastic!  You da man now, dog.  Just don’t tell us about it.  Don’t commend him/her on a good job.  Please make believe it never happened.  Can you really hear an unedited version of the show in the background? Does the host know he has to take a commercial break soon?  Just ask your stupid question and blog about the experience later you Rupert Pupkin wannabe.

5. Don’t be an attention whore.  So you ignored point #4 and proceeded to tell the host all about your conversation with the call screener.  “As I was telling Joe your screener a few minutes ago, if the Cowboys win this week, I’ll run across the Brooklyn Bridge naked tomorrow.”  Really dude?   This includes any lame bet you offer the show, even if it’s for charity.  The show isn’t about you; it isn’t even about the lame ass morning hosts who bet each other.  What starts with shitty bets ends up with some “fat guy from Jersey” (right Norman?) running on the field during play.  Let’s enjoy the big game for a change.

6. Don’t call back to remind us.  “Hey Steve, Remember me?  I’m the guy who called and said the Padres would win the division this year”.   What if the host did remember, do you think the millions of listeners remember?  Once again, it’s not about you.  Each team has it’s fans.  Your team winning once in the last 20 years doesn’t make you some great prognosticator.  Every fan in every sport has a “feeling”.  It’s called “hope” and is what sells tickets, sells coke, and fills out betting slips.

7. Kick the Coke habit.  Drunks snore when it’s their time to talk.  That’s funny stuff.   Cokeheads blabbering away with their 4 A.M post nasal drip aren’t funny.  Everyone except the naive overnight call screener knows your coked up.  Go ramble to some help line and get the treatment you need.

8. Your gambling addiction is not good radio.  The fix is not IN because your team didn’t cover the spread.  The fact that you can’t enjoy a game without calling your bookie makes you a loser.  Bet your money on the stock market where the fix really is IN.

9. Don’t continue the conversation from another show.  Every host comes up with a few filler topics for a slow news day.  Discussing the 6 greatest Yankee outfielders of all time sure was exciting during afternoon drive time.  Now drop the subject.  If you didn’t get on air to read your list, tough noogies.  Same goes if another host disagreed with you and cut you off.   What happens in midday stays in midday.   Don’t call the overnight guy talking crap about another host. 

10.  Don’t talk crap about other callers.  News for you chief, you suck too.  A talk show has millions of listeners.  Every minute 10,000 radios are turned on or off.  You bitching about another caller is worse than dead air for ratings. If you really are a good call you’ll get on the air almost immediately.  But most callers suck, such is life on the radio.   That’s why the pecking order goes as follows:

1. Interviews with athletes.
2. Interview with other sports reporters.
3. Witty banter with the producer or update guy.
4. Safe chat with regular callers as filler.
5. Taking a chance on some new caller who waited 3 hours just to shout profanities once they hear themselves on the air. (Duh, what’s a delay?)

11.  Bring something to the table that isn’t a turd.  By “turd” I mean any shitty agenda you are pushing.  It taints your cause, even if what you say is true.  Be upfront and tell the screener what your agenda is.  Let him/her make the call to allow your feces on air.  Some common agenda examples:

1. Attacking the opposing team out of context to try and get a rise from their fans:  Derek Jeter wouldn’t even start on any other major league team.  The Mets ownership doesn’t want to win.
2. Defending the undefendable :  People called Michael Vick a bad guy because they’re  racist.  Isiah Thomas did a good job until he was framed in court.
3. Promoting websites, competing radio stations, or restaurants: We all recognize spammers, even on the radio.
4. Inside jokes:  Asking if the Jets drafted your friend is lame.  So is anything from mikefrancesa.com.  I find the site funny too, but let’s keep it there.
5. Ambushing the host with 10 pages of stats to prove they know less than you:  Asking the host if he knows the lifetime on base percentage of some mediocre player doesn’t win your argument.  It makes you an a-hole who would be better off reading names out of the phone book to the few remaining listeners.
6. Any political manure:  We all know the “teabaggers” are just the same old republicans trying to stir up some bogus grassroots support in an attempt to reinvent themselves.  False patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.  I too have a list of old men I’d love to see tarred and feathered in G.O.B.P oil.  But putting down Obama, Bush, or any other political figure won’t change my vote and hopefully your vote either.  Political talk radio is down the dial, let’s keep it there please.

This year I went out and bought a sicky blueberry shrub at Lowes for $10 on sale.  I drilled holes in a giant planter, mixed some soil, organic matter, and acidic plant fertilizer together.  The blueberry bush came in a box with the roots wrapped in peat.   I decided not to unwrap it.  Messing with roots while transplanting usually kills my plants.  So I just buried the entire thing straight from the box.  On top I put a layer of pine needles to act as a mulch, while increasing the acidity of the planter.

Below is a picture 4 months after planting.  I had just returned from a trip to Disney World and my garden was a mess.

Below is the same plant after I removed the weeds.  Quite a difference?

After 30 days that tiny sprout of new growth is now taller than the entire plant.

Supposedly blueberries wont bare fruit until the 3rd year.  In the meantime, should I get any suckers this year or next, I have a spare planter to fill.

When to start growing from seed:  Check the Internet for the date of the last frost in your area.  In New Jersey that date is March 15th.  For tomatoes, you want to start your seeds 8-10 weeks before that date.  

• Equipment:  The following equipment is what I’m using, not a requirement.  The idea is to allow your plants a 2 month head start, not to raise a crop indoors.  Thanks to the indoor marijuana growing industry there are a wide range of products available online.  Unless your goal is to grow pot for a hobby, avoid the high priced grow lights and hydroponics and use what you have lying around the house
• Seed Flats – 72 tiny square pots is plenty.  The plastic cover keeps the moisture in and lets you use it later outdoors without birds eating your seeds.  The only important facts are drainage holes at the bottom and a waterproof tray below.
• Potting soil – Nothing fancy, just needs to be weed free.  That’s why you don’t want to use soil from the garden.
• Seeds – Pick something designed to grow in your area.  Check the website of your local agricultural Cooperative Extension
• Light Fixtures- Fluorescent is better as they use less power, also, incandescent fixtures get hot when left on for 18 hours a day, but use whatever you have lying around the house.  If you must buy something, cheaper is better unless you are experienced and know exactly what you want.  No matter which type of lighting you choose, be sure your bulb matches the fixture.

As you can see above, my makeshift area is doing just fine.   The light fixtures themselves I scrounged from the garage and attic.  The seed trays and potting soil I found in my shed.  The only expenditures this year were $15 for the two light bulbs. A General Electric 41624 60-Watt Plant Light Bulb and a G E LIGHTING #49892 GE15W Plant Fluo Bulb , $3.00 worth of potting soil. and $1.00 in seeds.

Seed Starting tips:

Use fresh seed: While seeds may last a few years, either use your own gathered from your best plant last year or buy new.

Spreading the seeds: Flatten out the soil, put a seed in the center of each pot, then put 1/4 inch of soil on top of that.

Water from the bottom: Pour water into the tray below and allow it to soak upwards.

Proper lighting distance: A rule of thumb is 5 inches above the leaves for fluorescent lights and 10 inches for incandescent lights, but check the package for the bulbs you are using.  If the plants are drooping, the light may be too close.  Plants should be reaching up for the lights.  As the plants grow, raise the height of your light source.  Keep lights on 18 hours a day, not 24 hours a day.

Transplant once before planting:  The tiny flats are way too small to support proper root growth.  One you see two real leaves, not those bogus cotyledons pictured, move each plant into a planter of it’s own.  I’ll be using 18 ounce plastic drink cups with drainage holes cut in the bottom.

Harden off your plants: This means to put your plants outdoors in the sun for an hour a day to start, then increase the time daily before you’re ready to plant permanently.  About a week before I’m ready to put them in the ground, I’ll put all my plants into a little wagon to make transportation easy.

Do not use fertilizer: Until you get your plants into the ground.  The exceptions are some synthetic seed starting mediums that contain no nutrients.  Just go with cheap potting soil and you’ll be fine.